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robin bird, my heart goes out to you (hugs) sometimes there is no 'right' decision... there is just the 'best' decision in very difficult circumstances...
you decided what you did out of love, you chose to put relieving your mum of her sufferring before your own need to keep her with you at any cost.... thats a measure of real love... putting her first....
let yourself cry as much as you need to, there is healing in those tears... it sounds like you and your Mum had a great relationship and many happy times together, it is only natural that you miss her and grieve her passing. take as much time as you need. grief is a process and it is a little different for everyone but trying to suppress your greif will not help. Writing a journal can help and being around friends...
take care...
lollylegs
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please know in this time of your loss , i send you love.
I am sorry to hear about her passing.
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My mom died of ovarian cancer on September 11th. I'm still reeling. All I can tell you is that I understand what you're going through to the letter. The last images of my mother are horror movie level. Now I'm scared for my own health, missing her terribly, and a general MESS. I've never been a "Life sucks" kind of person, always very upbeat and optimistic; this takes a lot out of you, I tell you that.
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When I read this I had to finally join this board.
When my husband, who was also my best friend, died 8 years ago I also felt, and sometimes still do feel, tremendous guilt.
Please, let me assure you that you have no reason to feel guilty and these intense emotions will diminish with time. If you ever need to read something you might want to try 'Closer to the Light' by Melvin Morse, M.D.
It is an older book but very comforting. I have given it to several people who have had loved ones die. I believe you can get it used on Amazon for about a $1.00 plus shipping.
And, at my husbands funeral we had a board that people signed. One of his good friends wrote "Love you bro, see you soon".
Truer words could not have been written.
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[quote=robinbird]Thank you Mabent, that means alot. I pray that she WAS in that twilight zone.
I know exactly what you mean about the crying when you see things that you and your mom did together. I did the same thing. My mom, even though she was old, was a very independent woman and really loved living. She would never tell anyone her age, and once when she had to go to the hospital, we had to decide what year to say she was born in. She decided that she wanted to be 10 years younger; she learned when they took a chest xray that her bones showed that she had severe osteoporosis. I remember our laughing when the doctor said, "what do you expect at YOUR age!" She looked much younger than she was even when she died. I used to cry when I thought of things like that, or when I would go shopping in the stores she loved to visit. She loved shopping, and all the clerks knew her. Once we were in a small shop and one of the clerks started whispering to another. They kept following us around, and we realized that they thought we were trying to steal clothes (my mother rarely bought anything but loved to window-shop). We stayed longer to worry them! Now I can laugh when I remember those times with her. That will happen to you, too.
Your mom knew that there was no way that you could not send her to the hospital when she needed it - that would have been a criminal act! I've heard people say that, but they really are just trying to say that they are ready to die when the time comes. That's the way I feel about it. Take care, Robin, and allow yourself to cry as much as you need to for as long as you need to; but keep remembering that you did your best for your mom and that she would hate to think that you would blame yourself for anything.